booze on the tea tray

Tea PTQ Report

This is the last of my nostalgic holiday time posts. I am currently back in China, but before I left I participated in some much needed gaming. This post will recount that experience, in the traditional literary style of a Magic: The Gathering tournament report. I heard it is a bad strategy to write blog posts that alienate and confuse 99.8% of your audience, but we will be back next post with regularly scheduled programming.

Tournament Report

I didn’t have much time to prepare for the Type Tea tournament. I’ve been out of the game* for awhile, but was ready to make a triumphant return to the DCI. I grabbed some old decks that had been sitting in my closet and mixed them together. My deck was not potent. A shabby compilation of common garbage thrown together last minute. I grabbed a 2012 Dayi Chatou brick for a shu, a crappy Bulang from 2007, and a Xiaguan 2012 Yiwu tuo. My veteran experience would have to compensate for my decks overall crapulence and lack of play testing.

Round 1: Xiaguan/Bulang vs. 15 Year Old Scotch

Bad Bulang
Not-so-great Bulang

I sit down for round one and some balding guy sits across from me. I figure he probably has some experience, because he is one of the older guys at the tournament. I start shuffling, he wins the roll and decides to play. I mulligan to 6, but decide to keep because I draw a demon Bulang combo.

His first turn he drops a swamp, mox diamond, pitching another swamp, and casts a Glenlivet 15 year old scotch onto the table. I immediately call for a judge. I was under the impression this was a type tea tournament, where does he get the idea he can maindeck a 15 year old scotch? The Judge, a portly gentleman, waddled over and leaned on the table, which could barely support his weight.

“What seems to be the problem?” he wheezed.

“Scotch is banned in Type Tea.”

“This is a vintage tournament. Scotch is perfectly legal.”

This is going to be a rough match.

I drop an tea kettle and start heating some water, but I can’t match his early scotch.  0-1

Game 2, he gets another early jump, dropping a Jura  on turn 3. I get a couple of steeps in with my Bulang, but the scotch has a much better finish. 0-2. That was a quick round and my sideboard didn’t have much to deal with the scotch. I decide to get some D&D in before round two.

Games: 0-2

Match: 0-1

Glenlivet Scotch
Scotch

Round 2:  Xiaguan/Bulang vs. Apple Pie

My opponent this round was also unaware of the Vintage format and brought a newly brewed Apple Pie deck. He looks like a bit of a scrub, I figure I can take this round and still Top 8 if I win out.

Win the roll, decide to play. Keep an opening round Xiaguan Yiwu Tuo draw. He drops an early Battleflight Eagle, which is going to be tough to deal with. He insisted it was a valuable card, which seemed like nonsense. It’s a 4W  2/2 flier and its common. They have never even printed an eagle rare. In any case, I didn’t have many main deck fliers, so I am peeling for a prayer. The eagle keeps swinging in for two shots and I scoop. 0-1

Eagle Rare
The only Eagle Rare

Game two. I sideboard in some brats to deal with the Apple Pie/Eagle Rare non-bo. I get mana screwed against an early Apple Pie. This is a homemade combo if I have ever seen one. If there is one thing I hate losing to, it is scrubby decks with 5 drop 2/2 fliers and homemade combos.

The 1/1 Apple Pie swings in for one shot after another, I underestimate its impact on the match. After a few turns, I still can’t peel an answer and the Apple Pie damage is starting to add up.

Apple Pie
Deceptively smooth Apple Pie (with classy printer label)

I drop a gaiwan to block, but I am already at 8 life.  The gaiwan makes short work of the apple pie, but he shatters my gaiwan and I only have two in hand. At this point I need to topdeck an answer.

gaiwan bulang
Too little, too late
booze on the tea tray
Classier yet

Next turn he drops a 1/1 Smirnoff and a 1/1 PBR. I am not too worried, I’ve got answers. I peel an island, go. He casts overrun and swings with both.  I cast dizzy spell, -3/-0 on the PBR, I refuse to take that damage. It buys me another turn.

I peel another blank. He casts Shred Memory and swings for 2. (Side Note: why was he maindecking this? 3 colors with maindeck overrun and splash for shred memory, why am i losing?) I reluctantly take damage from Smirnoff & PBR, putting me at 1. I scoop and decide to get some cake and water to take the sting off the loss.

Games: 0-4

Match: 0-2

Drop.

I figure there is no way I make the top 8 starting 0-2, so I drop.

Props:

– The Apple Pie / Eagle Rare was a spicy combo. The damage adds up a lot faster than you think. Still don’t know about 3 color overrun.

Sullivan Library – so much good deck advice. Please update soon

– French Oak, what a fine tree

-The judge for running an efficient tourney and ingesting his own body weight in cake

Slops:

– Should have known it was a vintage tournament

– Lack of early round french toast brats

– Anybody who went to the Chiropractor instead of attending

– The owner of the store for passing out drunk before 10 P.M., is that any way to run a business?

*I just lost the game.

 

 

  • Nick H

    Were you into pogs? I think some of those 100g rock hard little tuos would make good slammers.

    • TwoDog2

      Somebody needs to make a commemorative Alf tuo

  • The Balding Guy

    Balding Guy! More thinning hair that I buzz as short as I can. Balding…Harumph.

    I guess I should take some comfort that I wasn’t the fat judge. I’m still not sure if that was VH, or Miguel Sanchez?

    I enjoy your tea blog, except for the parts where I get insulted. Keep up the good work. I think you may have alienated more than 99.8% of your readership with this one. You may wish to skip tripping acid for at least a few hours before writing your blog. 🙂

    • The balding was an editorial mistake, missed by our resident fact checker. Thinning is much more accurate.

      I was aiming for a cracker on the fat judge quips, but, “Say Hello to Miguel Sanchez!”

  • tea

    LOL HOLY SH*T by far the funniest thing i’ve read this year. Idk if I should feel embarrassed or honored that I actually get the references and qualify to be included in the .002 of readers. I quickly gave up Magic (around torment expansion) after being repeatedly beat 2nd round every tournament by the mentioned balding fat white guy. Counter strike and warcraft 3 followed (The RTS not WoW mmorpg garbage), reading this made me feel very nostalgic and nauseous seeing PBR and smirnoff on the same table you truly do have an iron stomach. The only redeeming quality was the bottle of eagle reserve. Still in shock that anyone that drinks tea binge drinks like this lol, I am so isolated in america where the tea gender biases are flipped.

    Keep up the oddity and partying a much needed break from normal english language tea blogs

    • TwoDog2

      It only took two years for someone to get the tourney style report post! Keep gaming/drinking tea